


Missing Out

by mystery_deer



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, but more like emotional confusion/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23286421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystery_deer/pseuds/mystery_deer
Summary: Raymond thinks back on his life experiences while Kevin tries to go about his day. (they love each other)
Relationships: Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	Missing Out

_Raymond walked languidly through a seemingly endless field of wheat, bending the plants with a stick he’d picked up somewhere along the way. He was going somewhere and that was all he needed to know._

_After what seemed to be hours he stopped, made lazy by the summer heat and lulled to tire by the pleasant sameness of everything surrounding him. Endless wheat, endless blue sky, endless sun caressing his skin._

_He sat down and listened as someone began to hum, soft and familiar. He closed his eyes, opening them only when he felt the sun being blocked from him. He squinted up at the boy in front of him, redheaded and serious. He broke into a smile when he met Raymond’s eyes and Raymond smiled back, holding out his hands which were taken immediately as Kevin pulled him up into an embrace._

_Have you ever played that game before?  
You know the one, the girls on the playground gathered round in circles.  
Mystic and wise despite how you might have jeered.  
Did you want to join them? Did you want to know? I won’t blame you. I wouldn’t blame you for anything.  
You know the one, the girls on the playground chanted;  
Pick a number Pick a color Pick a number Pick a color Pick a number Pick a color  
You live in a  
House  
With your  
Husband  
And you have  
Half a child (laughter)  
And you work as  
A -_

_No no no we didn’t have that kind of game.  
The girls at my school weren’t mystics, they were creatures of fact and reason like me.  
They would flock to the corners of the schoolyard and play jump rope.  
And though you may have jeered you admired their ability to look so free between the violent turning of the plastic.  
Did you want to join them? Did you think you would fall? Were you afraid to be called a-  
You know the one, the girls on the playground screamed;  
Strawberry shortcake cream on top! Tell me the name of my sweet heart!  
Is it,  
R  
A  
Y  
M  
O  
N  
\- _

Raymond woke up in the way he always did, all at once.  
It was a cloudy day and for a moment he was disconcerted by this, sure it had been sunny a few moments ago, before he was slotted completely back into reality. 

It had been an odd dream.

“Oh, you’re finally awake.” Kevin said, peering into the bedroom, fully dressed and carrying a box.   
“I was beginning to consider waking you up, like a schoolchild.” He teased.  
Raymond rubbed his eyes and squinted at the alarm clock on their bedside table. Good lord, 7:30 am!

“You would have been remiss not to have done so!” He exclaimed, immediately getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom.

“Were you experiencing any difficulty sleeping last night? It isn’t like you to lie in so long.” Kevin remarked thoughtfully, swiftly removing and replacing their pillowcases with an intensity that told Raymond he’d been eager to for the majority of the morning. 

“No…” He paused to brush his teeth as Kevin continued to replace towels and sheets, evidently the box was full of them.

“Well I had a dream, it wasn’t disturbing. I can’t remember the specifics. Something about…” He tried to latch onto anything from earlier but could only remember the vague feeling of warmth and Kevin.

“You were in it.” He settled on. “Why are you replacing all our linens?”

“It’s the beginning of summer, I thought they could do with some brightening up.” Kevin explained, holding up the corner of their duvet.   
“And this is much too heavy, a spring blanket will be absolutely suffocating when the weather turns.”

Raymond had no strong opinions on spring vs summer blankets but Kevin’s attention to detail was enamoring.   
‘And,’ he thought as he ran a brush through his neatly buzzed hair ‘He might wear that lovely blue shirt that brings out his eyes now that the weather’s warmer.’

“Did you make breakfast yet?” He asked, exiting the bathroom and heading for the closet.  
“Not yet, should I?” Kevin called, already off down the hall.  
“No, I’ll prepare my own.”

When Raymond was a boy he had visited a relative’s farm.  
They had no animals but in the summer there was an explosion of carefully lined colors, bounty as far as the eye could see.  
He and Debbie would be set loose, told to “Go play outside” and she’d immediately be tugging at his hand, stepping on his shoes as she begged him to play Marco Polo.

“That’s a water game.” He’d say, observing a full tomato. “For the pool.”  
“Nuh-uh, it’s fine as long as you can’t see each other!” She'd insist.

And he’d acquiesce out of annoyance or fear that she’d run back inside crying that he was mean to her and he’d get the older brother speech.

He remembered a tiny thrill shooting through him as he crept around the crops, listening for his sister’s barely concealed giggles and shouts of surprise as they nearly collided. He remembered the childish idea of magic that seemed to be in the air when he opened his eyes somewhere different than where he started from. 

Kevin liked his strawberries with a small bit of honey.  
This was to Raymond, a sickening amount of sweetness.  
“If the strawberry isn’t sweet enough on its own it’s a bad strawberry.” He’d say every time he found Kevin sitting out front, eyes half-lidded, indulging.

Sometimes this led to a playful argument and sometimes Kevin would simply smile and Raymond’s heart would lighten when gently assured of the knowledge that he was loved.

“Did you ever go apple picking as a child?” He asked Kevin over breakfast. Raymond was drinking a smoothie and Kevin was eating jam on toast.

“Not really.” He said after some deliberation. “At least, I don’t remember it. I was more of an ‘indoor child’ as my mother called me.” He laughed softly. “When I did go outside to play my father would open the window and yell ‘Dear God, he’s escaped!’”

Raymond pictured Kevin as a child, rolling his eyes and shoving his nose in a book when he heard his father call. 

He felt...uneasy. 

“What has you in such a nostalgic mood?” Kevin asked, wiping his face and clearing his plate. Raymond continued to sip his smoothie.

“I don’t know.” He admitted. 

Raymond remembered so many days, all lined up in boxes, slightly differing but at their core the same.

Quietly studying his notes and praying the teacher would make it back to the classroom before the group of girls who were giggling and going table to table made their way to him and asked him if he liked any of them.

Changing so fast into his P.E uniform that the other boys began to remark on it and having to come up with something that wasn’t;   
‘I’m so afraid that something will click if my gaze lingers anywhere, I’m so afraid that you will realize something about me and I will be confronted with the same thing and it’ll destroy me.’   
He chose to declare his love for gym.   
“Ha, is that your boyfriend?” One of the boys laughed and he couldn’t remember what he’d said in response over the beating of his heart.

Retreating to the bathroom when one of his co-workers invited him out to a bachelor party. He looked past the color of his skin but balked at homosexuality;  
Had told him once. “The guys who give you shit about the black thing are fucking morons Ray.”   
Had told him once, “Don’t you look cute with those bug eyes on.” when he’d come in wearing his era-appropriate glasses.  
Had told him once, “You look good like that.” on a stakeout, leaning in too close to be coincidental, smelling like booze and cigarettes and putting an uncertain hand on the back of Raymond’s neck.

When he’d gotten the invite Raymond had smiled and said “So you finally roped Sandra into marrying you? How much did it set you back?” and the man’s eyes had widened before they refused to meet his, ashamed. Raymond had stared and stared and stared and then found himself in the bathroom, gut coiled tight with loss and anxiety.

When wasn’t it?

He imagined Kevin running past him on the street, reporter on the beat, thinking I’mnotI’mnotI’mnotI’mnotI’mnot so hard he could almost believe it.

“It...was difficult. It was a happy childhood but…” Hours had passed and Raymond was helping Kevin in the garden, watching him pluck insects off the fruit and flowers and deposit them safely in the dirt below. His tongue was so sharp it was easy to miss how gentle his hands were. 

“...Anxious.” Kevin said.   
“Pardon?”  
Kevin pulled his hat down further and reached into a rose bush to remove a stick lodged inside it like a parent might remove a splinter. 

“It was an anxious kind of happiness.”  
“I- ah.” Raymond hissed and instinctively cradled his hand before unfurling it and assessing the damage. Not much, just a small pinprick from one of the thorns.

“Are you alright?”

As Kevin took his hand he pictured a smaller Kevin with a smaller him, inspecting the cut.   
He pictured Kevin with a gaze so heavy it stilled him, calmed him.   
They had both played doctor as children - the real kind.   
Raymond had practiced with his stuffed animals and Kevin would write out notes and prescriptions to his brother. 

Something welled inside him.

“Do you ever feel that you wish we had met earlier in our lives?” He blurted out, mildly surprising his husband. He had gotten a pocket first aid and was finishing up his ministrations, wrapping a band-aid around Raymond’s finger.

“Sometimes. Is that what’s been on your mind all day?”  
“Yes.” Raymond said, glad to be able to pinpoint it. “I just...can’t help feeling that perhaps we missed out on something.”

Kevin made a low noise of consideration. “I’m happy I met you when I did.”   
Raymond sighed in equal parts frustration and fondness. Kevin, ever rational. His lack of imagination was one of the most charming things about him.

“I can’t imagine anything better than how we met. I was granted the privilege of falling in love with your voice, your mind, and finally your body.” He continued, hands still cradling Raymond’s despite the cut having been attended to. 

Raymond didn’t reply, breathing. He remembered Kevin being drunk when they were young and dating, they'd parked Gertie somewhere and his then-boyfriend was leaning half out of it. "I fell in love with you three times Raymond." he'd said, pulling himself back in and cupping his face. "What's more romantic then that?" He had assumed he was speaking nonsense at the time.

“Would you like to hear the stupidest thing I did as a child?” Raymond blinked, nodding. He was confused but comforted by Kevin’s apparent confidence.

“My father took me and my brother on a fishing trip and, tiring of waiting for the fish to bite, I threw the pole god knows where and tried to grab the fish myself.”

“Oh no.”

“Indeed. I ended up falling face first from the boat and nearly drowned. However, when I was dragged back on I found that a small fish had become trapped in my pocket.”

“How fortunate.”

“Yes. Of course my father was furious and my brother was beside himself, as I had accidentally hit him in the head with the pole, but I was over the moon. I was sent to bed without dinner and grounded for a week and never invited out fishing again but in my mind I had accomplished my goal of catching a fish.”

“...That’s a wonderful story Kevin." He paused. "I’m afraid I’m at a loss for how that connects to our previous topic of conversation.”

“Just because you weren’t there for those events doesn’t mean you can’t know them Raymond.” He clarified, kissing his husband’s hand before going back to gardening. 

Raymond blinked again before breaking into a grin and nodding to himself.   
“Yes...I see!” He exclaimed, a rush of joy running through him. 

The rest of the day was spent sporadically telling stories back and forth;  
The time Raymond kicked a dentist (“Oh, please tell Martin that one.”)  
The time Kevin got a girl’s hair stuck in his braces (“Quite the casanova.”)  
The time Raymond fell off the roof of his aunt’s house (“Amazingly, nothing broke.”)  
The time Kevin had had an allergic reaction during a date (“He did not call me back.”)

By the time night fell Raymond went to bed with his head full of Kevin.   
And when he closed his eyes he dreamt again;

_He was in a boat, dressed to the nines and holding a parasol to combat the sun.  
He offered it to Kevin, who he felt would need it more but the man just shook his head.   
“Watch.” He insisted gently, gesturing to the water.  
And he did.  
It was beautiful.  
Two lifetimes played out on the surface, Kevin and Raymond as toddlers, as children, as teenagers, as adults.   
They laughed and pointed and exclaimed and watched every minute of it.  
They didn’t miss a moment._

_Fire! Fire!  
False Alarm!  
Raymond fell in Kevin’s arms!  
Is he gonna be the one?  
Yes no maybe so!  
Yes no maybe so!  
Yes no maybe so!_


End file.
